Overcoming Relationship Challenges

Let’s face it… conflicts arise no matter what the relationship.

Constant bickering with your partner?

You fell in love. You’re growing a life together. You strive to get closer and closer, yet the closer you become to each other, it sometimes seems the further apart you become.

Differences emerge, conflict escalates, and relationship skills fall short of a solution.

Pulling your hair out with the kids?

Of course you love them. They love you, too, even though sometimes it certainly doesn’t feel that way; right? You’ve watched them grow. You’ve taught them how to behave effectively and how to succeed in the world.

One of your greatest wishes is for them to have and be more than you could ever dream. Part of their job, it’s come to seem, is to resist every lesson, argue almost every point, and oppose most attempts to have them do what’s right.

A friend “ship” has become the Titanic?

You were best buds. She was your “go to” person whenever it hit the fan. You were both great neighbors to each other, but now it’s tough to go home, because there’s animosity living right next door.

Something was said. Feelings were hurt. Attempts at resolution that worked in the past now seem useless.

Co-worker/Supervisor conflicts?

Work can be challenging and stressful enough. When it’s tough to get along with your boss or co-worker, let alone establish and maintain mutual respect, you start to dread leaving the house in the morning!

Since work is where you invest so much of your time and effort, you’ve probably made attempts to improve the situation, only to be met with resistance, blaming and even worsened conflict.

Just living life is challenging enough. Toss in other humans, and it can become downright chaotic!

Why can’t we all just get along?

Because we judge. It’s a survival necessity.

Our brains are designed to instantly and automatically judge an infinite number of factors based on our numerous sensory inputs. None of us would survive long if we didn’t.

Classification Before Calculus

During the Stone Age, the world of hunter-gatherers was complex and constantly presented new predicaments for humans. Which berries can be eaten without risk of death? Where is good hunting to be found? What kind of body language indicates that a person cannot be trusted?

In order to make sense of a complicated universe, human beings developed prodigious capabilities for sorting and classifying information. They systematized their vast and complex world, and such capabilities were not limited to the natural environment.

To prosper in the clan, human beings had to become expert at making judicious alliances. They had to know whom to share food with, for instance – someone who would return the favor when the time came. They had to know what untrustworthy individuals generally looked like, too, because it would be foolish to deal with them. Thus, human beings became hardwired to stereotype people based on very small pieces of evidence, mainly their looks and a few readily apparent behaviors.

Whether it was sorting berries or people, both worked to the same end. Classification made life simpler and saved time and energy. Every time you had food to share, you didn’t have to figure out anew who could and couldn’t be trusted. Your classification system told you instantly.

Every time a new group came into view, you could pick out the high-status members not to alienate. And the faster you made decisions like these, the more likely you were to survive. Sitting around doing calculus – that is, analyzing options and next steps – was not a recipe for a long and fertile life.

And so classification before calculus remains with us today. People naturally sort others into in-groups and out-groups – just by their looks and actions. We subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) label other people… “She’s a snob,” or “He’s a flirt.”

Verbal, non-verbal, para-verbal??

Talk about complexity!

It’s not just what you say, it’s how you look when you say it AND the inflection in your voice as you say it!

The two-way street of communication is fraught with judgment.

“Did he really mean what I just heard him say?”

“Why does she always make that face?”

You’ve likely had an experience when someone overreacted to something you did or said or didn’t respond in the way you had anticipated. You’ve also likely done the same.

How did you handle it? Did you feel angry? Did your response help understanding or further confound it? In either case, the quality (or continuation) of your relationships is directly tied all the way back to the classifications made by the Stone Age brain we all still possess.

What separates successful, happy experiences with others from not-so-happy ones is what we do with these judgments.

It’s also a difficult time to connect and stay connected.

Our modern technologies make the world a much smaller and much larger place, simultaneously.

What do I mean?

Have you ever been sitting next to your kid while they play a video game with their online friend from Japan (or just down the street, for that matter) while they totally ignore you, as if you’re not even there? Have you ever had a tele-meeting with a supervisor when what was discussed would have far better been communicated in person? Have you ever felt slighted by your partner’s text, only to have stewed for hours until you find out it was misinterpreted?

The emotional connections forged by people through body language, nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and facial expression are essential to our relationships, yet impossible to replicate with technology.

As society tries to adapt to so many (relatively) new avenues of contact, important aspects of how people relate and connect on a personal level are stripped away. This can be especially impactful to our more intimate relationships.

In a nutshell, distraction and convenience have replaced intimacy… and will continue to do so.